Stabbed in the Back with a Stiletto While Drinking a Poisoned Cosmo

Sex and the City 2 is a frontrunner for the Worst Movie of 2010.

And it pains me to say that because I have such respect for the series, the 1st movie, Cynthia Nixon, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Krisin Davis and their respective characters. But writer/director Michael Patrick King really lets us down with redundant drama, cringe-worthy dialogue and the murdering of the characters and the franchise we loved from 1998-2008 (or in my case, from 2008-2010). In the words of Sean Kingston, "Somebody call 9-1-1!"

There are so many things wrong with this film. Here's an in-depth analysis.

*Big & Carrie

Showing this New York super-couple in marriage was probably tough. What are they like in a stable, emotional-abuse-free relationship? He's boring, she's a nag. Actually, Big is one of two characters who remains most like himself. But throughout the first hour of the movie, Carrie is whining and whining about how he's so boring because he just wants to sit at home and eat take-out and watch amazing Clark Gable movies. Uhhh, Bradshaw, dude's over 50. He's tired of the glamorous Manhattan life. And he consistently tells her to go on without him--sooooo what's the problem? Right, she HAS to do things with him. But she does have fun in the Middle East for a week without him. So, again, what's the problem? And don't even get me started on the 2-day weekly break from marriage which is just a stupid way to give the Prestons a "modern marriage."

*Samantha

Poor, Kim Cattrall! She is just mercilessly humiliated throughout the film. The thing is Samantha is probably closer to Big's age than to Carrie's. She claims to be unafraid of her age--then why is she taking a monster amount of pills to reverse her menopause? Right, so we can hear tons of easy menopause jokes once her pills are taken away at the airport. Blech! Also, Samantha is just too old to be the frat boy of the group. She should be aging gracefully. I would've rather have seen her live fabulously at a more calm level. Look at Meryl Streep, Helen Mirren, Betty White--they are older, classy and so sexy women who don't say things like "Lawrence of my labia". There should be a filmmaking rule: the word "labia" should NOT be said in a scene that DOESN'T take place in a doctor's office. Finally, I find it hard to believe that a professional, successful New York-living PR executive cannot adapt herself to another culture and will actually insult the residents of Abu Dhabi to their face. Character assassination pure and simple.

*Charlotte

It's always been hard to feel sorry for Charlotte with her WASP upbringing and that pesky golden platter people use to hand things to her. Her little non-problems (not including the MacDougal Mess) can be charming for a half-hour episode. So when she had an actual problem in the 1st movie, it was refreshing. But that movie was an anomaly. Here she feels overwhelmed by her two little girls despite her full-time nanny (who serves as a temptation for Harry in Charlotte's mind but not in reality). This would have been a funny episode but stretched to two hours, it becomes hard to listen to her complain. Especially since the scene that shows her at the height of being overwhelmed is utterly ridiculous. She's making cupcakes and the nanny's out. So this is when she decides to call Carrie to complain about how hot the nanny is? Her kids are screaming and she's running around the kitchen holding a baby in one hand and frosting a cupcake with the other and she's on the phone. She wouldn't be so overwhelmed if she knew when not to multi-task. And if she just talked to Harry (AKA Best Husband Ever) then she would know that he would never cheat on Charlotte.

*Miranda

Luckily for Cynthia Nixon (and for those of us who admire her) Miranda remains unscathed. She's the only one who takes an actual interest in Abu Dhabi culture by learning some phrases in Urdu (I fell in love with her every time she said "shukraan"). She always warned Samantha to be more respectful of the Abu Dhabi laws. Even her sillier lines are forgivable because we know she's the only one of the women with a seriously demanding job that takes away from her family time. When she makes it to Brady's science fair after quitting her horrible job ("I made it! I never make it!") we cheer for her. And she has the only scene that rings true to life. She teaches Charlotte that it's okay to complain about motherhood. It's a nice scene that actually allows the characters to breathe and help each other. I would love to see a Miranda solo movie.

*Abu Dhabi

The movie is called Sex and the City 2, not "No One Gets Laid in the Desert 2". I want to see a movie that takes place in New YorK City with the four women who represent different aspects of the city. So the whole hour that takes place in the Middle East is just useless. Not even Aiden's surprise appearance gave us anything interesting. Samantha only makes out with a guy. The worst part is that everything is just decadent and wasteful. Do they really need four butlers, four cars, their own bar, their own dining room and their own kitchen? It's like the recession didn't even happen. It would have been nice to see the girls living glamorously on a budget instead of just wasting money.

*Stanford and Anthony's wedding

One of the things I love about the SATC franchise is how universal it is. Yes, it is about four women but it's a show anybody can relate to. So when you have an extended sequence at a gay wedding that is just offensively flamboyant (offensive to both the hetero community and the homosexual community), it is too alienating. Of all the gay people I know, I doubt any of them would enjoy that sequence. And why, why, why would Liza Minelli sing "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" at a gay wedding? Having her sing that song seems like the only reason why the wedding took place. That especially seems true since, last time I checked, Stanford and Anthony hate each other (Team Stanford all the way, Anthony is so irritating!). And if Michael Patrick King had taken a screenwriting course (which he clearly did not) he would know to show, not tell, something as huge as a romance between these two former enemies. Oh, and Carrie continually telling Big not to call their wedding a "gay wedding" was just really offensive. The only good line from that awful sequence (which generally had even worse writing than the scenes in Abu Dhabi) was when Miranda said that Liza Minelli manifests herself whenever there is this much gay energy in a room. It's a cliched line but Nixon delivered it well.

Sorry for the long post but this movie was just offensive to both us the fan ands the four women. Let's not even talk about how Steve and Harry and Smith and Aiden were completely wasted (and not in the fun way which would have made the film easier to watch). There was also a too-short cameo from Penelope Cruz and a surprisingly funny cameo from Miley Cyrus. The thing is not even the few charming moments could save the film from the monstrosity that is Michael Patrick King and his lack of writing skills. If they make a third one (which I hope they do to redeem the franchise from this film), I hope King stays as far away from it as possible.

Thanks for proving the haters right, Michael! Sex and the City 2: D-minus.